(and I'm not trying to offend any one or point out anyone specifically. It's just that this particular subject has bothered me for quite some time and I just need to vent a little.)
Why is it so common for people to ask other people (especially young couples) if they're pregnant?
Honestly it is the most inconsiderate thoughtless question, with so many negative ramifications. It's not fun, it's not nice, it's rude and inconsiderate! I mean whether they are or aren't expecting I don't see how it could possibly be a good thing. Let's look at a few scenarios, and lets use me as the guinea pig, I mean why not, I fit into the category!
Scenario 1. I'm not pregnant.
So if I'm not pregnant then I have just been made to feel that either I am fat and look like I'm pregnant (there's a self esteem booster!) or I'm a failure because I'm not living up to someones expectations. It makes me so mad because it's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!
There are so many things that might be contributing to the fact that I'm not pregnant. We might not be able to. We might be trying. We might want to desperately! And having it brought up just slams our failure back into our faces. It might even be that we aren't ready to have another baby. And believe it or not that is NOT A BAD THING. And it's still none of their business!
I know several people who have tried and tried and tried to have children and time and time again have had their feelings hurt and they're hearts broken as people open their mouths and ask a question that cuts clear to the hearts "Why aren't you pregnant?" You know what, sometimes it's not your fault, and sometimes no matter how bad you want to and how much you try you can't get pregnant. Why then would someone even risk bringing it up and crushing that poor person?
It makes me want to shout at people "Weren't you ever young? Weren't you ever trying to start a family and constantly under the judgmental pointing expectations of everyone around you? Don't you remember what it was like to have people impose their ideas of what 'you should do' on you? Did you ever find it cute or funny when people would ask, or thoughtful or kind? Or were you just discouraged?"
Scenario 2: I am pregnant
OK now lets look at another scenario. What if I am pregnant? Don't people ever pause to think.
"Hmm if this person is pregnant and they haven't told me, maybe they don't want me to know yet."
Is that such a novel thought?It's a very fun thing to be pregnant and be trying to plan and plot a fun and exciting way to break the news to everyone. That's one of the joys of being pregnant is finally, when you're ready, finding some fun way to tell people. So if I'm asked if I'm pregnant and I am, then I have to flat out lie to keep it a secret or I have to lose all of the fun and the anticipation and the excitement that I've been building and planing and admit that I am.
No one wants to ADMIT that they're pregnant, they want to ANNOUNCE it, when and how they want to. If you just admit it and say 'yes' then at least for me that would take all of the excitement and enthusiasm out of it. I would feel like I had just lost one of the most exciting parts of the whole experience and that the reaction from the questioner would be:
"well good it's about time"
or
"I knew it"
or
"I knew it"
What's the fun in that? Now I feel totally special and loved and not at all like a number or 'just another suspicion confirmed.' (note the heavy sarcasm!) Honestly when people ask me that question it makes me want to avoid them at all costs and even if and when I were to get pregnant having them be the LAST person to know because no matter what I do I can't please them anyways.
I know this has been a lot of ranting and raving, (but you can't say I didn't warn you! :) But it's not just when it happens to me that bothers me, I think that everyone has a hard time with it, and it bothers me whenever I hear it. Once you get married it seems that you are expected to immediately start 'popping 'em out!' And if you don't you're some kind of sinner. And then if you have a child when they turn about 1 it's the same thing... it seems as if fingers of scorn are pointing at you from every corner.
The decision how and when to have children is between the couple and God. Period!
Can't people just realize that it doesn't matter if someone IS or is NOT pregnant, THEY WILL TELL YOU WHEN THEY WANT YOU TO KNOW!
And you're not doing anyone any favors by asking about it.
AMEN. I completely agree with this post. People can be so inconsiderate when they think it's their place to tell you that you should be having kids. And then imagine the embarrassment when you say, "I'm sorry, I'm barren," and burst into tears. Not that I've ever been so bold, but I've sure been tempted.
ReplyDeleteClark has been tempted to tell those people, "Oh, well, we haven't consummated our marriage yet." Hehe.
I will second that AMEN!! I get soo sick of that too. So what if your first child is now 18 months, you dont have to have them exactly 2 years apart. Not everyone can do that.. I LOVE your post and appreciate it :) Miss you LOTS!! No I am not pregnant LOL
ReplyDeleteI wish I could wipe away all women's tears, heartbreaks, and dissapointments. I find that I can pray for and ponder what best to say.
ReplyDelete:) Funny thing is, I see them so little that what I do say, I usually blotch (or so I feel), so I'm working on a couple of new plans--1-complete silence or
2--a great smile, or 3--a terrific sense of humor.
i remember the day i was standing in my yard when my neibor (bishop) stopped and talked to josh and i and pretty much told us he regretted not starting his family sooner and waiting until they had "the necessities" like a stable job and home. i started to cry. josh then informed him i wasn't able to have kids.
ReplyDeleteyour post hit really close to home. plus i agree that when and how is no one elses business. that is what is awesome about marraige. those decision are between husband and wife and when they are ready. and if like me and you can't get pregnant (which alot of woman can't even after having a child) you have your spouse to help hold you up. you don't need others to tell you what they know is best for you. but getting past what others say is difficult.
now i'm starting to rant... sorry. i hope you are having a better day! thinking about you. love meg