When you've been hurt. Really hurt. It's hard to open yourself back up to their harsh judgement and misinterpretations again. Especially when there's no hope of an apology of any kind or any attempt to clear the air and make up for it because they probably don't know that I am aware of what was said.
It makes me want to tell them they were wrong, that they had no right to say what they said. I want them to know what I've been going through and how their gossip and unkind words have hurt.
Yet I'm supposed to be the bigger person, forgive, forget, move on. If I do, how can I talk to them? How can I face them? How can I share anything with them without wondering and worrying about what is being said behind my back.
But If I don't, if I try to protect myself from that and limit my connection and communication, if I don't let them into my life then I'm seen as the mean and rude one... It's even worse because I want a close connection, I long for their approval and acceptance. I felt I was making progress, that I was able to be me and not worry so much. But now I'm back to square one or worse.
There's a whole world of turmoil inside of me and a fear that I will always be seen and judged unfairly and harshly by them. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to tip toe around on eggshells just in case I do something that they might get the wrong impression about. I'm sick of feeling like I have something to prove and that I'm not good enough. I'm sick of filtering my actions and reactions to seem the person they expect to see. I just want to be me.
I happen to think that I'm just fine. In fact, I think I a pretty great person! (Even though I sometimes wonder if I believe that, because it seems to contradict popular opinion.). I put hard work and effort into being the best wife and mother that I can be, every single day. I know that the bulk of my day is spent in doing things that I wouldn't just do because I want to, but because I know that it will help K.C. I know that it would be nice if he didn't have "one more thing to do" so I run around trying to be one step ahead of him and do all the things I can so that he can put his energy into the things that are most important to him.
I am tired of apologizing for things that aren't true! For feeling bad about myself because they don't understand me and have no clue what goes on in my house, let alone my heart and head!
Um. You ARE a pretty great person. No, you are a VERY GREAT person! Obviously I have no idea what this situation is, but I think you're amazing, and can't even imagine someone not thinking so. What, Celeste Hunt? She's nothing but kindness and thoughtfulness personified.
ReplyDeleteps, by all means forgive and move on, but forgiveness doesn't mean you need to allow a person to hurt you again. You are entitled to protect yourself, to distance yourself. Trust was lost, and trust takes time to get back. At least that's what I think :)